THE SILENT YELLING IN MY HEAD THIS MORNING

IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS AND I STILL HEAR YOUR VOICE.

NOT IN EVERY WORD BUT IN JUST ONE - MY NAME.  I CAN STILL HEAR THE WAY YOU SAID MY NAME WITH THE TINY TILT OF YOUR HEAD THAT SAID ALL AT ONCE… I LOVE YOU BUT MY GOD YOU’RE MAKING THINGS HARDER THAN THEY NEED TO BE.

IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS AND SOMETIMES I STILL FORGET YOU’VE GONE.  EVERY SINGLE FIGHT WITH SOFIA BRINGS ME TO THE WISH THAT YOU COULD TEACH ME HOW TO FIX IT.  TEACH ME HOW TO DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY.  TEACH ME HOW TO SWIM RATHER THAN DROWN.

YOU WOULD’VE BEEN LAUGHING AT THESE GIRLS WITH ME.  YOU’D HAVE THROWN YOUR HEAD BACK AND LET OUT ONE OF THOSE LAUGHS THAT OPENED UP THE WALLS AROUND US.  AND DAMNIT I’M MAD THAT YOU AREN’T HERE.  I’M SO FREAKING PISSED OFF THAT MY GIRLS AREN’T GOING TO LOOK UP IN THE STANDS AT THEIR GRADUATIONS AND SEE YOU OR LOOK OVER DURING THEIR FIRST MARRIED DANCES TO SEE YOU WIPE AWAY THE TEARS.  IT’S BULLSHIT.

WHEN I TELL PEOPLE SOMETHING ABOUT YOU I HAVE THE HARDEST TIME SAYING “MY AUNT”.  EVERYONE HAS THOSE.  EVERYONE HAS AN AUNT OR FOUR THAT THEY SEE A COUPLE TIMES A DECADE OR EVEN A MONTH AND THEY LOVE HER, SHE’S GREAT.  SHE VISITED SOMETIMES WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN AND SHE WAS A GREAT SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN THEIR STORY.  OR THEY HAVE AN AUNT OR SIX THEY CAN BARELY IDENTIFY IN GROUP PHOTOS POSTED ON FACEBOOK.  SHE IS NICE- OR MAYBE NOT- AND THEY UNDERSTAND THEIR CHILDREN’S CRINGES WHEN SHE LEANS IN FOR A HUG.  MY GOD, THAT’S NOT WHO YOU WERE.  YOU WERE MY STEERING WHEEL WHEN YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PREFERRED TO BE MY BRAKES.  YOU WERE MY ONE PHONE CALL.  YOU WERE MY CHILDREN’S FAVORITE LADY.  YOU ARE THE REASON I GET UP AND PUT ON MAKEUP EVERY DAY.    YOU WERE MY SAFETY NET.  YOU WERE ONE HALF OF THE ONLY DUO WHO COULD PUT ME IN MY PLACE.  YOU WERE TWO OF THE ONLY FOUR HANDS TO EVER TOUCH ME IN KINDNESS.

IT’S BEEN A LITTLE OVER TWO FREAKING YEARS SINCE I HELD THOSE HANDS.  YOU WERE IN THE CHAIR IN THE DINING ROOM WHEN WE LEFT FOR THE AIRPORT AND I CAN STILL SEE THE LIGHT SHINING OFF OF YOUR BARE HEAD AS THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSED BEHIND ME.  I STILL SEE YOUR BEAUTY IN THE SMILE THAT SAID GOODBYE.  THAT UGLY, STUPID, OVERFLOWING GOODBYE. 

THE YEARS WEREN’T LONG ENOUGH WHEN I COULD HEAR YOUR VOICE AND THEY’RE TOO LONG NOW THAT I CAN’T. 

DAMN I LOVE YOU AND THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.