Dear Eva,

On your ninth birthday, I want you to know that you are everything anyone has ever wanted to be.  Right now, today, at this moment, you are perfection.

You are smart.
You are kind.
You are funny.
You are beautiful.
You are good.
You are important.
You are honest.
You are thoughtful.
You are caring.
You are full of life.
You are bounce-off-the-walls-energetic.
You are introspective.
You are generous.
You are soft-hearted.
You are strong.
You are awe inspiring.

 

You are the kind of person people strive their whole lives to be.

 

And,  you are all of that today.

 

So, stay exactly the way you are.  Don't let anyone steal your shine.  There is no one more perfect than you. 

 

And, there is no one more grateful to have been given the honor of watching you grow than me.

 

 

Always,

 

Mama

Doubt

It's in the few inches I have to reach through to hold your hand.

It's in the seconds it takes to lean into your kiss.

It's in the breath I hold before I speak.

It's in the moment before I open your last text.

It's in the hesitation of my step to keep up with your stride.

It's in the knots in my stomach before you open the door.

It's in the extra beats of my heart at the sound of your laugh.

It's in the ink of the pen I can't bring myself to use.

It's in the sound of our silence.

It's in the space that doesn't hurt anymore.

It's in the feel of your eyelashes brushing my face.

It's in the freedom you've given me.

It's in the restraint I've mastered.

It's in the places you'll never touch.


And that's where it will always stay.

Middle ground

It's taken me so long to learn the difference.  That, just because I don't deserve the fairytale, doesn't mean I deserve to be dragged through the dirt.

I'm not a perfect person.  Most of the time, I'm barely even a good person.  I make mistakes more than I make smiles.  I overthink and look at things too deeply.  I demand words when they're not essential.  I refuse to be ignored.  I challenge and question more than I should.  I don't trust anyone or anything.  I have a real problem waiting for things to play out on their own time.  I worry more than I should about things that don't matter.  I put too much emphasis on the things I shouldn't notice at all.  My eyes refuse to be blinded.  I hold on too long to the things that tear me apart.  I roll my eyes and slam doors and yell more than anyone should.

No, I don't deserve flowers and candy.  I haven't earned any compliments or praise.  I've lived a long time doing all the wrong things, and I've paid the price for it many times over.

I always knew I didn't deserve the prince on the white horse.  Unfortunately, I thought that meant I actually deserved the toads that brought me down to their mud. 

I accepted the nothing I was offered.  Take it or leave it has always ended in me taking it - gratefully.  I just couldn't see that there has to be a middle ground.

But, I am not all bad.  I will happily make an ass out of myself to make someone laugh.  I stay up all night thinking of how to make a bad situation better.  I will stand in someone's corner cheering them on long after the lights are turned off.  I say what I mean every time.  I am faithful and honest.  I listen to words, whispers, and thoughts.  I learn everything there is to know that will make eyes shine.  I forgive.  I care.  I don't give up.  Middle of the night or center of of the storm, I am always there.

So, maybe I don't deserve to be demeaned and disrespected.  Maybe there's more for me than being ignored and dismissed.  Maybe I don't deserve the fairytale, but that doesn't mean I have to be covered in dirt.

I just wish it didn't take me so long to figure it out.