I have always been told my obsession with words is wrong.  Weird.  Hurtful.  A waste.  Stupid.  Every time I've tried to share something that made me tremble, the eyes turned glazed and the conversation screeched.

But words have taught me everything.

"You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served" N. Simone

"We are our choices." J.P. Sartre

"Walk your memory's halls, austere supreme" E. Millay

"I want to unfold.  I don't want to stay folded anywhere, because where I am folded, there I am a lie" R. Rilke

"I was more than your echo" M. Atwood

"You will always be too much of something for someone.  Apologize for mistakes.  Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone - profusely.  But don't apologize for being who you are." D. Laporte

"La vida sigue - dicen, pero no siempre es verdad.  A veces la vida no sigue.  A veces solo pasan los dias." P. Neruda

"I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself" D.H. Lawrence

"Does my sexiness upset you?  Does it come as a surprise that I dance like I've got diamonds at the meeting of my thighs?" M. Angelou

"There is always a time for departure even when there is no certain place to go" T. Williams

"You are not a burning building and pain is not the only way to feel alive." S. E.

"You have brains in your head.  You have feet in your shoes.  You can steer yourself any direction you choose." D. Seuss

"Be open to learning new lessons, even if they contradict the lessons you learned yesterday." E. Degeneres

"Thank the Lord for my kids even if nobody else want em" T. Shakur

"Smile and wave boys.  Smile and wave" Skipper

"Listen, Linda" cutest cupcake lover ever

"If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values - they're hobbies." J. Stewart

"Yeah" L. Jon

"I love you more than chicken enchiladas...and that's a lot." M. Romero

"When you meet someone for the first time, you're not meeting them- you're meeting they're representative." C. Rock

"You're easy to love." P. Lowry

"If your kid grown enough to talk back, your kid grown enough to get fu$&@d up." B. Mac

"Peanut butter shotgun!" S. Romero

"It's far" C. Holliday

"Good night, mama.  I LOVE you." E. Romero

Words given have taught me so many things.  Words found have filled in the blanks.  And, words withheld have taught more lessons than anything ever found on paper.

And I can't keep trying to explain that to people.  

I won't apologize again for the solitary comfort only found in the stringing together of thoughts.

I've learned too many times how to drown carefully and purposefully.  I cannot tread lightly again.

Critique

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh.  You think I'm doing it wrong.  I'm not a good parent.  I could learn a lot from you.

Well, I'm sure you're right.

I could learn a lot from you.

Tell me about that time you did it all on your own.

Take a moment and describe how you got all three of your daughters to every activity known to man on time, dressed properly, and prepared for anything.

Please, describe for me how they all maintain straight A's, are each in advanced level courses, and consistently become some of their teacher's favorite students.

Enthrall me with your tales of how they always say "yes" and "no", "please" and "thank you", "excuse me?" rather than "huh?", and always "I love you".

Don't leave out how they race to greet you at the door every evening when you arrive home from work.

And please share the recipes you created to make sure they're fed better than you have ever been.

Remind me how you work a full time job, which you started after giving up any chance of a career to stay home and raise them for thirteen years, and run a very small business in the few minutes you're not at their beckon call.

And, don't leave out how not once have you been able to turn to your left and say "your turn."

Yes, please tell me again how you're an expert on these three girls.

Wait....nevermind..... that was me.  But, yeah, I'm sure you're right.

These poor girls and their successes.  

Whatever shall they do?

Messy breakups

I went through a pretty bad break up this weekend.

It had started with such promise - the relationship and the weekend, I mean. 

In the beginning of the relationship, we spent ALL of our time together.  We were completely devoted and 100% exclusive.  We could read each other's eyes and knew each other inside and out.

Then something just sort of switched off.  It was gradual before it was sudden.  Snuck up like a freight train, I suppose.

Saturday morning also came with promise.  Quality time and days laid out like a well wrapped present.  It was going to be absolutely perfect-ish.

Just the way our good relationship had always been.

Then.  BAM.

It was over.  Heart pulled from my chest, stomped on, shredded, decimated.

My oldest daughter broke up with me.

Of course, she says it was me, not her.

It's just not working for her anymore.

Now she won't speak to me.  The tension in our once-whole home is palpable.

We've been "on a break before".  She's looked elsewhere for the comfort I so willingly give (between the hours of coffee and moscato), but she's always come back by dinner.  Not this time.  I think she really means it.

I think my sweet daughter has really left me.

Which is bad enough.... but when you consider that she left an eye rolling, back mumbling (because she isn't crazy enough to back talk), door closing, whiny, cranky, full blown hormonal mess behind.... My lord.

This is why the dumpees end up on Snapped! and the dumpers end up grounded.

Tinkerbell-free zone.

I'm an adult.  I know this by more than just the calendar.  I get downright giddy over the thought of a nap.  I partake in an icy cold glass of adult on a quiet Friday night.  I drag my ample behind to the workplace without rampaging through it with a machete.  And I delight in the pleasures of the old school hip hop channel on Pandora.

So, yes, I'm all grown up.

One of the harder lessons that come with this age?  Realizing that not everyone gets the opportunity to share in adulthood.

Some, like Peter Pan, stay childish fools their whole lives.  Unfortunately, unlike the green tight-ed boy, they insist on leaving the island and invading our peace.

So, here's what we adults have to accept:  you can't meet everyone where they are.

Not everyone can put ego aside and do what's best for others.

Not everyone can take a situation, find the good in it, and move on down their path.

Some people just have to do their level best to drag you down to their wallowing mud.  

Some people are just impossible.

And that's ok.  Well...it's not really ok, but we grown ups call it ok so that we are able to keep our forward direction.

All we grown up, responsibility taking, bill paying, head held high walking, children raising, too good for this argument making people can do is shake our heads and say:

"Thank the good lord above that I got away from that".

And to you Pans, you ex husbands, you former friends, you parents:  you don't ever have to grow up - just go back to your island.

We'll just be here, sipping adult beverages and holding kitchen dance parties .  You know: adulting.