Things I've learned this week...and it's only Wednesday morning

If it's too early to drink, it's too early for an unannounced ex husband visit.

Things that could've gotten you chopped up in little pieces and buried in a backyard in your twenties get you smiles and stories in your thirties.

Even when you think you're making a private joke, your oldest kid knows you're really talking about the one hot teacher in the whole middle school...and she laughs too.

Playing hard to get is more effective when you aren't actually playing.

As soon as you figure out your kid's currency, they switch it up.  Today's overpriced clothes are tomorrow's....who knows.

Ending a relationship ensures that your song will play every 3.4 seconds - no matter the station - and the roads will suddenly fill with his vehicle.  But saying a silent f you every time soothes the sting.

When your friends find happiness, it makes you want to table dance and give nicknames.

Even if you don't see the desired results, completing a workout every day feels like an accomplishment... Though feeling the six pack abs would be nicer.

Not everything has to be sexy.  Seriously... People should stop trying all the time.

Gentlemen still exist, but they take some getting used to.

And, finally, just remembering the bottle you bought after that unannounced visit makes the 6 am texts from the ex husband more bearable.

Not a good match

For months I'd heard it, "That'd be perfect for you!  You should try that!"

For months my response was the same, "As soon as you do, I will."

Well meaning friends.  Just trying to help friends.  Looking out for me friends.  But not one of them wanted to sign up, and I knew it.  So, it wasn't a risky maneuver the I will if you will was really the I won't have to because you never will.

Until one of them did.

One of the most beautiful, successful, smart women I know signed up.  And she reminded me of my promise.

Match.com

We swore we'd never tell anyone.  We even have a story we worked out in case one of us (*she) met the man of her dreams.  But the lessons I gleaned from my blissfully short stint online "dating" are too valuable not to memorialize.  Following are the most profound lessons/warnings/giggles...

} The first thing you have to do is describe yourself, in detail.  Apparently, most women use this space to describe themselves via the early 90s or after they finish the insane exercise regimen they've always wanted to start but haven't yet found the time to.  You must include pictures...those of sunsets, pet llamas, and Backstreet Boys days are frowned upon.  I'm not kidding...every single person I met in real life (and no, that wasn't many, but still) they all were surprised I looked like the pics and description I put up.  

} Next, it's time to describe him, in detail.  This I found to be very difficult because, what if.  What if you're absolutely sure he's a tall, college educated, English speaking, 28-39 year old; but, he's actually a 5'8, multi lingual, 42 year old, self taught computer genius?  So, I was very vague in my requirements for him.  In fact, as long as he was at least my height and old enough that no one would mistake me for his mommy or his granddaughter, I didn't specify.  And, really, if you're so picky that he has to be 7'3" with purple hair, gold eyes, an athletic build, a ten figure salary, and three extra toes - well, you deserve to grow old with your cats and old copies of Murder, She wrote.

} Now, you're up there for everyone to see.  Give it about 12 seconds (I'm still not kidding) and the attention starts pouring in.  One minute you're a normal woman, walking through life relatively anonymously...then BAM you're the hottest thing around.  I really couldn't stop laughing at the silliness of it all.  If you're vain enough to believe it, good for you!  The rest of us know someone just rang the dinner bell because fresh meat was thrown on the table.  

} Every. Single. Man on there reports himself as "athletic and toned".  Now I'm no statistical or genealogical or even dietary expert; but if this is a wide swath of the available men in my area, than all of the average, overweight, and obese men we see out and about are all taken.  This leaves all those poor, neglected gym rats and sporty types with not a chance in the dating world, relegating them to sites such as these.  Or.... The boys are as big of fibber, fibber pants on fire as the girls.  I leave the final judgement up to the women who agree to meet these fine, upstanding gentlemen in the light of day.

} You will find yourself with the most odd assortment of characters.  At one time, I was "talking" to...and this is not an exaggeration... A car salesman, a civilian contractor living overseas, a perpetual student, a doctor, a factory worker, a business owner, a construction contractor, an electrician, and several military members.  Where are you ever going to find that kind of plethora of options outside of The Sims?  

}  No matter the age, race, height, body type, or hair color, 9 out of 10 first emails contain the same phrase... "Hey cutie".  Coincidentally, 9 out of 10 first emails are not replied to.

}  Remember Step 1?  That long profile you put together spouting all of your better qualities and artfully deemphasizing your less than stellar points?  You were so uncomfortable and it felt so egotistical and you worried that he would read it and think you were a snotty brat.  Yeah...no one reads that.  They look at the pictures and decide right there.  I was thisclose to changing my profile and sneaking in random sentences confessing my fetish for orangutan hair and secret desire to move to Idaho and start a sweet potato farm just to give myself a giggle.

Did I meet some decent people?  Absolutely.  

Were there some moments of well, maybe...?  Yes.

Was my time filled with entertainment and head shaking?  Yes and oh, yes.

Will I miss it?  Not even a little.

My imposed sentence of online dating wasn't the worst way to spend my time in purgatory.  It forced me to open up to possibilities that I normally would've eyebrow cocked at and scared away.  And, if nothing else, now I know that isn't always the best answer.

Meanwhile, my gorgeous, smart, successful friend is deciding if she'll need our concocted story... and I'm back to waiting for Mr. Right to appear on my doorstep.

Today I become the parent of a teenager. I don't think either of us is ready for that.

Dear Sofia,

As I write this, you're still sleeping away your birthday morning.  This, in itself, is new for us.  Every morning of April 6th for the thirteen years preceding this one, you've been up and full of energy bright and early.  Now, as a certified member of the angst club, you sleep more and there's a discernible drop in energy levels...to say the least.  My oh my, how things have changed.

Gone is the extra little kid fluff that made you look so young.  Gone are the days of snuggled in Disney movies.  And, gone are the days when I could say anything without an eye roll or a foot drag or the most infuriating shoulder slump.  The kid who made things easy is long gone.

In her place, I get the kid who is going to change the world.  You read books like they're air, you believe in things so truly that you almost make others believe,  and you are as loyal a friend as anyone could dream of.  Yes, you and I battle daily over everything; but secretly....very secretly, I sometimes want you to win.  I want you to change my rock solid mind sometimes just so that I can see how you will shape the world.  Unfortunately, you seem most determined to work on my hygienic standards, and those are pretty rigid.

Truly though, I know the kind of kid you are.  I know how lucky I have it.

You're kind and giving.

You're smart and thoughtful.

You're loyal and dedicated.

You're talented and hardworking.

You're becoming an involved sister.

You're proving a fierce advocate for your mama.

You're learning to accept people as they come.

And, you're doing it all with a wicked sense of humor and a laugh that swallows the room.

I love you, kid.  Through the tears and the drama and the war we'll be waging for years to come, I love you like no other.

Always, 

Mama