Competition

I have failed yet another parenting competition.  That's right, I lost another challenge.  This one, though?  This one, I'm ok with.  See, I cannot buy my children everything they want.  Heck...on most days, I can't buy them anything they want.  And, I cannot take them to all of the places that they want to go.  There are no trips out shopping for no reason.  Lunches out are a rare treat and never where they would choose to go.  Have you any idea how expensive it is to take three kids to a movie these days?!  And, please don't let it be 3D!  So, movies are reserved for special occasions only.  You heard me right... my children are bordering on abused and neglected.

Know what I can do, though?

I can tell you their favorite colors.  I can tell you the name of their favorite books.  I can tell you about every goal Eva has ever scored (including practices).  I can tell you Sofia's favorite song to play on her clarinet.  I remember every single lost tooth and how their breath smelled when I held them all night as babies.  I know what puts butterflies in their stomachs and what makes their eyes shine.  I know each and every one of their friends, not just by name but by face and attitude as well.  Their teachers not only know my name, but also my face and voice.  As do the school nurses, office staff, lunch ladies, and principals.  I know the first boy my daughter ever immortalized on a piece of furniture.  I know the lilt in their voices when they're lying.  I know what they want to be when they grow up and that they truly believe it will happen.  I heard the first word each of them spoke and I watched them read their first sentences.  I know that Maya will try to hide carrot sticks in her shorts to get out of finishing her lunch.  I know where they keep their deepest secrets, and I know that I would never go to those places uninvited.

I also know that my children know me.  They know my favorite color and the way I dance around the kitchen.  They know the tone of my voice when I'm serious and they know the lift of my brow when playtime is over.  They know that I will always be the person they can count on to stand up for them or behind them.  And, they know that I am always on their side - no matter what.

No, I can't buy my children the world.  I can, however, make them feel like the center of it.  And, that is not available in stores. 

Words

Pathetic.
Loser.
Ugly.
Worthless.
Unwantable.
Slut.
Fool.
Embarrassing.
Sorry.
Stupid.
Weak.
Silly.
Weird.
Old.
Fat.
Poor.
Unlovable.
Deserving.
Strong.
Amazing.
Real.
Worthy.
Hilarious.
Adorable.
Good.
Hot.
Challenging.
Tough.
Beautiful.
Sexy.
Smart.
Awesome.
Sweet.

Thirty three words that have been used to describe me in the last week.  I went back through my texts and this was what I found.  Thirty three adjectives that sum me up.

Seventeen are "negative", though much more real than the rest.  They were said by those who know me best.  Those who have known me longest.  Those who I've listened to for longer.

The sixteen at the end are dismissible.  They were said, but not meant.  And, I want to say they were heard but not felt; but that would be a lie.

I felt each and every one of the words that are on this page.  I smiled or cried with each syllable.  They made my day or lengthened my darkness.  And, now they each live inside me.  Because you can't believe the good if you don't believe the bad.  They are all someone else's vision of me.

Watch the words that you use with people.  If you don't mean them... don't use them.  If you don't want them felt... keep them to yourself.

Words are power.  Whispered or written.  Spoken or withheld.  They are also irretrievable.  These thirty three words changed me, one by one.  I can't unhear truths any more than I can unsee lies.