90's Hip Hop

My 90's HipHop Station on Pandora should just be renamed the "Close calls, big mistakes, beautiful stupid boys, running the streets, can't believe I made it out unscathed, race down memory lane" soundtrack.

Naughty by Nature brings back the first boy I ever completely lost all my senses for.  He was beautiful and remarkably stupid.  I wore his shirt for weeks and can't hear Hip Hop Hooray without being back on my couch in that apartment with his smile.

Lost Boyz brings back the little family of boys that adopted me into their crew.  We went everywhere together blasting the tiny speakers in my little car with Legal Drug Money until we wore the tape out.  Those were the first days I ever felt accepted for who I was, even if all I was at the time was young & stupid.

Outkast brings back the best friend I've ever had.  He used to let me drive his car up to get us food and he never let anyone drive that thing.  The driver's seat was leaned so far back it was resting on the back seat, and I felt like the coolest girl in the world behind the wheel.  Southernplayalisticcadillacfunkymusic was the soundtrack to that summer, and it brings his long pointless stories back every time.

Montell Jordan brings back the ride to high school graduation with my best girlfriend.  This is how we do it at the top of our lungs all the way to the coliseum.

DMX brings back every Tuesday and Wednesday night at the club.  It's Dark and Hell is Hot was on nonstop replay for months, and I made more mistakes than I can count while bouncing to that one.

Warren G's Regulators,  Snoop's Doggystyle, Dr. Dre's Chronic, anything from 2Pac, Wu-tang, Black Sheep, Busta Rhymes, Nas, The Fugees, Cypress Hill, Eric B. & Rakim.  Every song on this station has a face and a place and a memory attached.  Most also have at least two mistakes tagging along.  Every time the girls are gone and I can blast that station loud enough to bother the neighbors, I'm taken right back down to the strip we drove before we were smart enough to know better. 

And I smile.

MOVE me

I want to be moved.


To tears.
To dance.
To action.
To scream.


Move me in ways that feel like I'm flying.

Move me to the rhythm of the song stuck in your head.

Move me to contemplate all the ways I can hide the body.

Move me across the room so that I can be closer to your smile.

Move me across the country so I can be further from your off-key singing.



I want to feel the shift that you inspire inside me.



To paint walls in your favorite color.
To do an old school shout out on the radio.
To not want to replace every inch you occupy.
To burn all the pictures of you I keep in my mind.
To stop in my tracks at the scent of your cologne.
To wake in the middle of the night with words begging to be put on paper.



Move me.

Or move on.


(Woke up with this in my head three days in a row & decided it was time to put it out.)

Voice in her head

Last night, Maya was being extra "entertaining".  She was making up songs and dancing to them.  And, she was cracking herself up with jokes that made no sense.  She was laughing so deeply and freely that we all just stopped to watch her.

"Ita, do you hear voices in your head?", I asked her.

"Yep."

"Really?  What do they say?"

"That I'm awesome.  And I'm very pretty.  And I'm the smartest.  And, I'm the best at backflips."

"Oh, OK.  What does the voice sound like?"

"You."

Forgetting for a moment that Maya has never actually done a backflip, I was short of breath at her answers.  I had asked the question as a joke because she honestly seems to have more going on inside her head than the average kid.  I expected her to look at me like I was crazy when I asked about voices.  Instead, she changed everything.

You always hear that the words a parent says stick in a child's mind.  And, you know it's true on some level.  I can remember every terrible thing my mother ever said to me, including the sound of the hatred in her voice as she formed the scars.  But, to hear from your own child that you are literally the voice inside her head makes you stop and think.  Or at least it should.

I am lucky that what she hears are affirmations.  Of course, they're also all the things Maya already believes to be true about herself.  And, I wholeheartedly believe she would believe these things even without anyone telling her because she has a very strong sense of self.  However, not all kids are born with the self esteem this little one was blessed with.  What does Eva hear inside her mind?  Or Sofia?  Or other children who's parents don't realize what their voice can do?

Do I tell them enough that they are special?  Probably not.  With a preteen, I find myself telling her more often to please brush her teeth/finish her homework/pick up her mess/wipe the dirty look off her face.  With a child who has some emotional issues, I am sure I say too often "go to your room and calm down before we both explode" or "stop whining at me before I rip my own ears off."  Do they know that they are also awesome and pretty and smart?  I hope so, and I hope I can remind them more often now that I've been reminded that my voice is helping to form who they believe themselves to be.

"You are the three most awesome children anyone has ever been given.  You are all special and beautiful and smart.  And, not one of you is good at backflips - yet."