Relationship advice to the girls. Part IV

You're going to get your heart broken.  

One day, it'll be the first time.

You'll wonder how anyone could be that cruel.  You won't be able to wrap your head around how the person you thought you knew became a complete stranger.  Over and over you will replay every moment in your head trying to figure out exactly where he got off your path.  And, it will hurt like nothing ever has.

Then, before you know it, it'll be the third or the fourth or (heaven help you) the twentieth time.

You'll wonder how you could be so stupid.  You won't be able to fathom how the person you grew into allowed a complete stranger to have that much power again.  And, it will be a pain you know all too well.

Girls, I dread these times for you.  If I could choose between building a trust fund to make you financially comfortable for life or bubble wrapping your hearts so that they never so much as crack, we would be at the packing store right now.  But the only way to stop you from being hurt is to stop you from loving, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

So, even after your first heartbreak... Especially after your first heartbreak...  Open yourself up again.  It will be scary and, if I'm being honest, won't ever really be the same as the first time.  You will question whether the next one will hurt you too.  maybe. You will keep waiting to see if he will be the next reason you're diving into the ice cream face first.  he might. You will have moments when you wish you had joined the monastery.  me too. 

Open your heart anyway.  Do it because you deserve the love you give.  Do it because the one in front of you isn't the one behind you.  Do it because you survived a broken heart once...you can do it again. Do it because your mama said so.

Someone is going to break your hearts, girls.  But you and I know that, if you try again, you're only proving how much stronger you are.  And, if you need to, we can make a quick run out for bubble wrap.

Relationship advice to the girls. Part II

So, why is it sometimes good to not get the one you want?

Easy...

Once you get him, you'll see that he isn't really what you want.  This, my dear girls, is where I introduce you to the "front".  You will fall victim to it, and you will perpetrate it.  Over and over and over again.

It will seem like they found the list you made of all the attributes you find most important...

Funny, smart, honest, cute, employed, honorable, easy going, fun, loyal, independent

And they fit this oh-so-vital list.  They fit it like a fairy tale.  They fit it like the perfect pair of jeans molds to their bounce-a-quarter-off-it backside.  "Hooray!" you'll think.  "Lucky me, why hasn't someone else snatched this guy up already?!"

Aha!  There's the kicker.  Because, unless you find this person in your third grade class, someone else has already snatched them.  And threw them back.  You know why?  The "front".

That person who fits your list?  Yeah, he doesn't.  Give him a minute, and you'll see.  Nine times out of nine and a half, that great guy is on a different list.

The dropout, living with his mama, wildly egotistical, shamefully suspicious, kids by at least three different women, checking in with his probation officer, but still with a mighty fine backside list.

But he can't show you all that when he's shyly smiling at you across the table.  So, you get the "front". And, you will fall for it.  You will want him.  And, sometimes, you will get him.

And, four minutes later, when you're hiding your wallet and doubling up on the birth control - you'll remember what I said.  You'll remember why you should sometimes be grateful that you didn't get the one you wanted.  And, if I've done my job properly, you'll pack his duffel bag and leave it on the lawn for the next list maker to pick up.

Relationship advice to the girls. Part III

Soul mates.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh...wait...that was a serious question.  Ok.

Girls, sometimes I believe in ghosts.  I swear I turned that light off before I left.  Sometimes I believe in karma.  I mean...it's taking forever, but I'm trying to believe it is coming.  And, at certain moments and just the right angle, I can even sort of believe in magic shakes that burn fat while you eyeball your ex's new chick from behind the tree in the neighbor's yard.  But, soul mates?  No. Stinking. Way.

The world is a big place, billions of people, hundreds of countries, don't even get me started on the other planets... And there's one person you're supposed to be with?  I'm no mathematician, but that seems illogical to me.

Roommate.  Yes.

Playmate.  Yes, please.

Cellmate.  Only if it's in political protest.

Ay, mate.  Well, if you're a pirate, sure.

But, no soul mates.

Be happy with someone who tries.  Be happy with someone who is good for you.  Be happy with someone who stirs something in you.  Don't throw that away because they aren't made for you.  Truth is, you weren't made for them either.  You were made for you.  I should know, I cooked you.

All that being said, if you're ever in a remote rainforest in South America and you come across a tiny hut made for one; tell my soul mate I'm still waiting.  I'm pretty sure that's where mine has been hiding.

Relationship advice to the girls. Part I

The truth is, girls, that you're not always going to get the one you want.

Sometimes they're going to look right through you.

Sometimes they're going to think of you as a friend or a sister or not chemically reactive.

At least once, they will decide to go with the girl who looks a lot like you but doesn't have your sparkling personality.

There will be the time you meet them thirty six seconds after the next-best-thing crossed their path, and you'll wish you had run that red light.

And, more times than you'll want to count, the one you want will already be claimed by the one they don't want anymore.

It'll sting.  No matter the reason, when the one you want is added to the long list of the ones you'll never have, it's going to bite a little.

You're going to be tempted to try to change their mind.  Don't.

You're going to want to illustrate all the ways they're making a huge mistake.  Don't.

You're going to think about waiting her out.  Don't.

And, at least once, you're going to try to become her.  Definitely don't.

If I teach you nothing else about men, let it be this:  nothing is worth losing yourself to.

If I teach you nothing else about relationships, let it be this:  the best ones aren't about chasing or being chased.

And, if I teach you nothing else about yourself, let it be this:  whether you are a sister, a friend, a chemically un-reactive partner, an invisible wall, a conscientious driver or the late comer to the party - you are always always always good enough to be chosen first.

No, you won't always get the one you want.  And next time I'll explain why, sometimes, that's for the best.

Alive

Choose to be alive today.

Not breathing.  Not following the path from Point A to Point B.  Not awake.

Alive.

Choose it because you've done it the other way.  Choose it because no one can stop you from your choices.  Choose it like there are no other options.

Alive.

Jumping head first into the butterflies in your stomach.

Streaking through the sunshine, or splashing through the rain, or dancing through the snowstorm.

Singing at the top of your lungs when you only know three lines in the song.

Screaming when you're angry.

Sobbing when your heart breaks.

Laughing till your sides ache at the jokes only your best friend tells right.

Alive.

Once you grow up, alive is a choice.  It doesn't come naturally once you've lived a little.  It's scary and, well, it's known.  You know that being alive can hurt.  Once you've done it for awhile, you know it can break you.  So, you start backing off.  You start biting your tongue and harnessing your wild.  You start just breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.

Just for today, don't do that.  Just for today, be brave enough to be afraid.  See what happens.  Maybe you'll even survive it. 

Not my weekend

The girls were with their father this weekend.  He came on Friday to pick them up for a weekend of fun and excitement.  Two days and two nights of nonstop action.

I've come to treasure and loathe these weekends.  I spent more than twelve years on 24/7 mama mode.  Never more than a couple of hours off a month, and even those precious few breaths were laden with guilt both self-imposed and forced onto my shoulders.  So, the last couple of months have been a lesson in adjustment.  It's my chance to sleep a little, and dress up a little, and just be a little.  And, it's my chance to watch them race out to a life where I can't share their every moments.  They get to stay up way too late, watch movies that aren't made for kids, and eat food not grown of the earth.  And, they love these weekends.  So much so that I can feel their disappointment when it's just another mama day.  The way their shoulders slump knowing we aren't headed to a movie or shopping, we are doing laundry and working on speech therapy.

Yes, on these weekends, the girls and I have forged lives separate from each other.

Until 11:36 pm last Friday night.

I answered the phone to a hysterical six year old begging "I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU".  

I tried to tell her she was just tired.  I spent more than twenty minutes taking deep breaths with her and reminding her that everything was just fine.  I told her over and over that I was right there.  That her sister was there with her.  That her papi could take care of her.  I used my best calm mama voice to try to get her to fall asleep.  And, every time it started to work, he tried to take the phone from her - sending her into another tailspin.  Until, finally, I told her I was coming to get her.

It didn't matter who argued and yelled and tried to stop me.  I couldn't care less whose weekend it was or what time the clock showed.  I threw on my shoes and drove twenty minutes to my child.

If all she had wanted was a hug, that's what I would've done.  Because mamas give hugs when they're needed.

If all she had wanted was a kiss, that's what I would've done.  Because mamas get up in the middle of the night to dole out kisses.

If all she had wanted was me to pull the covers up tight and turn the light off, that's what I would've done.  Because that's what mamas do.

We mother.  Nothing stops us from it.  Not late hours or long drives or angry men.

But my child needed her mama's arms, her own bed, and the comfort that comes from knowing you can count on someone to come running when you call out.

And, it didn't matter that she was going to lose the movies the next afternoon or the pool the day after that.  She didn't care that the food I would make her wouldn't be served with crayons and a prize.  What she needed was free.  Freely given and costing nothing, I proved to myself that I still have something to offer.

And, the next time they're gone for the weekend, I'll watch them race off with the excitement that hurts a little.  But I will know that when they run back for that one more hug -because they always do, it's because they know I'll still be there with open arms.  And that may not be exciting, but it beats the heck out of junk food induced stomach aches and horror movie inspired nightmares.