Patience

Patience is not my strong suit.  Most days, it seems like my supply runs out before breakfast is done.  Unfortunately, with kids, patience is the number-one-most-important-get-you-through-the-day ingredient.  Without it, your kids can feel like a burden instead of the gift that they are.  So, I've been working on looking at things a little differently in order to see the gift (rather than the hair-pulling/teeth-grinding/steam-out-of-the-ears) in these moments.

Sure, I haven't been to the bathroom alone in almost ten years.  But, that's just more quality time with them.
Yes, I haven't been able to say anything just once in years.  Everything has to be repeated over and over and over again.  But, that's just more opportunities to talk to them.
I am up by 4:30 am every single day... weekends, holidays, birthdays included.  On the plus side, I've never seen more sunrises.
They find new and interesting places to hide things every day.  It's like living a scavenger hunt, and who doesn't love to have to unscrew vents to pick out all of the tiny pieces of playing cards that were stuck down there for no discernable reason?
They wipe things on the walls...  disgusting things.  It's an extra opportunity to break out the scraper to peal off these things, and doesn't everyone need more things to clean?
I am constantly having to navigate the floor space through stuffed animals, baby dolls, and those darn tiny, hard, poky toys that stick into your feet when all I'm trying to do is check on them after they fall asleep. What better way to be reminded that your feet still work and you should be thankful to not be a parapalegic?
I do at least fourteen loads of laundry a week.  It could be worse...  I could have to do all of it by hand.  Instead, I only have to wash Maya's frilly skirts and legwarmers with my bare, cracked, bleeding hands.
It takes an hour to get three daughters ready to go somewhere important.  I get maybe fifteen minutes.  But, no one's looking at me anyway with these three beauties around.
I have to sit in the cold, wind, and rain to watch endless soccer games while listening to Sofia and Maya whine that they don't want to be out there.  However, it's better than sitting in the cold, wind, and rain to watch three endless soccer games.
Every single time I ask them to brush their teeth it's like I'm asking them to bathe in acid while allowing hyenas to feast on their eyeballs.  As far as I know, however, no one has ever been turned into CPS for forcing good hygiene.

I wish I could say that these reminders make being a mother easier.  I wish I could say that I'm grateful every single day for the struggles of raising good kids.  I cannot.  Instead, I can say that I'm trying to see the light in their eyes over the dark circles under mine.  And, I'm trying to focus on the little moments that make all of this worthwhile instead of the miniscule moments I get to sit my ample behind down on the couch.  I'm a work in progress.

Eva's love

Maya and I have an ongoing contest.  Who loves the other more.  It always starts the same...

"I love you"

"I love you more"

"I love you more than ..."

"I love you more than..."

This can go on for a few seconds or several minutes but always ends the same...

"I love you more than Gloria."

Apparently, loving someone more than the hippopotamus in the Madagascar movies is the ultimate statement of devotion. 

Yesterday, Eva asked to color during quiet time.  When she was done, this is what she brought to me.

She made one for each of us, listing different things.  Sofia got the longest list, and I'm trying not to take it too personally.  This child is so full of love it overflows to her family.  And we are so much better for it.



Addiction

I've always been uncomfortable talking about my childhood.  It embarasses me.  It shames me.  It makes me feel unworthy.  It took until well into my adulthood for my anger to set in.  Now I feel like I got a really late start on "normal". 

I've often wanted to speak my truth, but have stopped myself.  I didn't want to make my family angry or resentful of me.  However, this was my life for the first nineteen years.  And, while there are still a lot of things that I'm not ready to put on paper, I am ready to let a little out.  Holding it in gets heavy sometimes. 

My mother is an addict.  She has been addicted to many things during my life (motherhood not being one of them).  Foremost on the list, though, is alcohol.  She is a falling down drunk and has been for a long time.  I made the difficult decision about a year ago to cut off all contact with her.  I told her, in a letter, that she was welcome back into my life as soon as she got herself together.  With the exception of one very nasty phone call, I haven't heard from her since.  That hurts like hell.  She may not be the kind of mother I needed, but she's the only one I got.  My children, however, don't need to know anyone who behaves like that.  I don't want the first experience they have with crazy to be their grandmother.  Sofia and Eva haven't seen her since before Maya was born, and they don't ask about her.  I'm not sure what words I'll use to explain it to them; but, when they ask, I'll figure it out. 

I've been told all of my life that my mother "can't help it" or "is doing the best she can".  I don't buy that.  We all have ways of coping with stress/life/sadness/depression, but we don't take our children down with us.  I would walk through fire for my girls (as would any other self-respecting mother), I wouldn't throw them into the flames first.  I have a hard time excusing my mother's behavior as just part of some "disease".  Addiction isn't a disease.  Cancer is a disease.  Syphillis is a disease.  Addiction doesn't feel like a disease.  It feels like you can't ever get ahead of the bulldozer that's tearing down your life. 

Recently, Martin Sheen was on the tv saying that his son needed prayers to get through his "disease".  Bullshit.  Prayers aren't going to save an alcoholic.  Don't waste your positive energy on someone who does nothing but hurt other people.  Send it to the people left in the wake of destruction.  The children who are trying to teach themselves to be parents because no one taught them.  And the grandchildren who are like first-generation immigrants in a land their parents struggled like hell to get them to.

Will this post make some in my family angry?  No doubt.  Should the way I grew up have made them angrier?  I think so.

Spring Break

I decided to take the girls out of town for spring break this year.  I've never done it before, but I knew that we all needed a bit of a break.  So, I packed up the car and we headed to Dallas, TX.

We stayed with family and were there for 3 nights, two days.  (That's about how long anyone can tolerate our invasion of their home.)

On our first full day, we went to the Dallas Zoo.  This was our first sight of it:

Such a cool statue!!  We spent the next couple of hours searching for Gloria.  For those of you who don't know... Gloria is the hippo in the Madagascar movies.  She is Maya's favorite character of all time.  Hippos are her thing.

Well, we found Mellman (the giraffe), but no Gloria.  I had one very disappointed girl on my hands. 

That evening, we went to my cousin's house for dinner.  As a treat, the kids got to decorate cupcakes.

Then, of course, they got to inhale savor their creations.

Fun was had by all.

The next day, my aunt took us to the Dallas Arboretum. 

It was beautiful.  The arboretum had some very special displays up.  Castles.

Aladdin's Castle

Little Mermaid's Castle







Beauty and the Beast Castle





Princess and the Pea Castle



Rapunzel's Castle

The girls had a fabulous time exploring all of the castles.  The scenery was gorgeous!

We had a picnic in the ampitheater area, then the girls burned off some energy on the stage.

I can't say it was a perfect day, as two of the girls had long whining/pouting/screaming fits.  However, I got some great pictures of my princesses, so the day was (at least) successful.

We spent our last evening relaxing by the pool.  The girls played with the binoculars and helped to clean the leaves out of the water.

Finally, the final morning, we packed back up and got on the road to Kansas.

It was an eventful four days.  We are thankful for the family that didn't shut the curtains and turn off the lights when we pulled up.  But we're not sure they won't do that next time.

I was talking to someone yesterday about how hard it is to be a grown up.  She said "And to think we couldn't wait for this!"  My response, "I'd go back to high school in a heartbeat!  Knowing what I know now, of course!"  This got me thinking.  If I could go back now, what lessons would I take with me? 

Some thoughts:

• This is the last time in your life that you'll be with all of your friends every day.  Enjoy it now, because you'll go years without a single friend to talk to.
• Not all of those kids who are the "popular" ones now grow up to be successful.  Some of them are truly living their glory days right this minute.
• Those boys will tell you anything to get you to believe them.  They grow into men who do the same thing.
• A little less hairspray and a lot less bangs would go a long way.
• Enjoy all that sleep now because there will come a day when you'll be lucky to sleep till 5 am!
• "Nice" lasts a lot longer that "damn fine".
• If you can get straight A's sleeping through class, imagine what you could do if you really tried. 
• Hold on to the people who mean the most.  You're going to miss friends like that when you're older.
• Slow down.  Believe it or not, you are going to live past 23.  Save some stuff for down the road when you know how to appreciate it.
• These may not be the best days of your life, but they certainly rank near the top.  Enjoy them.  In too few years, you could be arrested for the nonsense you're doing now.
• The decisions you're making now really do effect the rest of your life.  So, are you sure you want to wear those spray painted sweatshirts or purple bodysuits?

Would I have listened to any of this advice?  Probably not - I was kind of a hardhead.  Would I have benefited from it?  Absolutely.  I don't know where I would've ended up, but I know it wouldn't have been here. 

(Un)fortunately, there is no going back.  All you can do now is look back and smile/groan.  You're on a one-way street hurtling forward at a pace you could only keep up with when you were young enough to think it was dragging by.

Needs beat Wants... every time.

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning.  (And, not just because it was 4:30 am).  But I did it anyway.
I didn't want to plaster a smile on my face when I got the girls up.  But I did anyway.
I don't feel like making anyone laugh today.  Or supporting anyone else today.  Or walking around breathing today.  But I will do it anyway.

Because needs beat wants.  There are three people who need me to do this every day.  Three sets of eyes watching all the time to make sure I'm still there.  Three sets of ears listening all the time to what I have to say (even when it seems that they're not).  Three sets of feet following my lead all the time.  Three hearts that could be broken if I made the wrong decision.  That's a pressure that only a parent can feel.  Honestly, it's a pressure that only a truly loving parent could handle. 

Being a parent (though I can only speak as a mother) means putting their needs over your wants.  Every time. 
Even when all you want is to run away?  Yes

Even when  it feels like you're drowning in need?  Yes

Even when you know that what's best for you isn't best for them?  Especially then

Being an adult means making tough decisions.  Being a parent means making the decisions that make it less tough on your children.  It's a hard, but necessary burden.  Because their needs beat my wants... every single time.

Don't ask if you don't want to know

In my younger days, I was a less-than-stellar truth teller.  I was so desperate to have people like me that I'd tell them anything I thought they wanted to hear.  I am completely over that now. 

As soon as Sofia was born, I knew that I wanted her to trust me more than anything else.  I can't trust my own mother on any level, and I hated growing up with that feeling.  So, my #1 parenting goal was to be the person she could rely on the most.  And, I also knew that she had to see that I never lied to anyone in order to believe that I wouldn't lie to her. 

So, I don't lie to anyone about anything anymore.  In order to accomplish this, I had to let go of the desire to be liked.  done
I had to learn to let go of the people who didn't like hearing the truth.  done
I had to try to be tactful when answering some of the things where the truth is best heard with the volume turned down a little.  done - ish.

Now, if you ask me a question, I will answer it.  It's a very freeing feeling.  I've had several people say "I can't believe you said that!"  But, my policy is:  if it won't hurt my children, I'll tell you everything.  Maybe more than I should, but I'll learn to balance it eventually. 

Through my journey into the complete truth, I've learned that people really would rather be lied to sometimes.  I don't do that anymore, though.  So, if you want to hear what a great person you are - be sure of who you are before you ask me.  If you want someone to tell you what amazing children you have - take a long look at them before you ask me.  However, if you want to give an opinion to me, wait until I ask. 

Unsolicited truths are not in my repertoire.  If you don't ask, I won't offer.  You're welcome.

Last summer

Last July, I was given the opportunity to introduce my girls to the ocean.  And, I do mean introduce them.  I've always wanted to take them to the beach, but finances have always made that impossible.  I wanted to show them the ocean while they were still young though, so they could really appreciate it in the way that only young eyes can.  So, when I found out that my uncle has a beach house in North Carolina, I swallowed my pride and asked if we could visit.  Right away, he said "Of course!"  Smiles!

So, on a Wednesday morning, I packed up my three girls and drove them all the way to Southern Shores, NC.  We arrived Thursday evening, and the stories of that LONG ride are for another (less happy) day.  Since it was so late, we couldn't actually head to the beach until the morning - but we could smell and hear it.  The house is only a three minute walk, so we headed out early Saturday morning. 

This is the first time my daughters' toes touched the Atlantic Ocean.

It was magical.  They were so impressed, although also quite a bit nervous.  We spent every morning for more than a week playing in the sand, searching for sea shells, and splashing in the waves.  These three girls were in heaven.  They even got along the entire time we were on the sand.  This is a major accomplishment!

 They held hands.  They helped each other up when the waves knocked them over.  They found shells in each other's favorite colors.  Something about the ocean washed away the drama, and I've never been happier.
Neither had they.

I can't say that time was the most relaxing for me.  I was constantly on alert for someone being swept away, or bitten by one of the hundreds of crabs we were sharing the beach with, or some random stranger walking too close to my girls.  (It's very stressful taking three kids to the beach when you only have two hands.)  I had several of those "Which one would you have to let go of if they all get pulled out in a riptide?" moments.  I'll keep the answer to myself, but it's probably fair to say that none of us would've returned.

But, every evening, we took a long walk on the deserted beach.  And, that was my favorite time.  It was the most peace I've felt in my entire life.

I found out yesterday, that we will be heading back to "our" beach house this summer.  I cannot wait.  It won't be long before these girls won't want to do anything with me.  They'll want to be with their friends or *gasp* boys, instead of their boring old mama.  But I have them all to myself again this summer.  And I can think of no other place I'd rather be than on a towel on the quiet beach in North Carolina with the three most amazing people in the world.