I would rather know what is real than live a lie.  I would prefer to reach out and touch the pain that breaks me than constantly be chasing the salve that isn't made for this kind of struggle.

So, sometimes I reach out for you simply because I know you're not there.  In that moment before I open my eyes, I lay my hand on the cold side of a bed you've never seen in the hope that you'll be in a place you've never been.  And the loneliness swaddles me.  Because, if you were there, that would mean that life had inexorably changed.  It would shift my world in ways that I wouldn't recover from, and I would not be who I have always been.  I wouldn't be the one left behind anymore.  I wouldn't be the one overlooked anymore.  I wouldn't be able to lean on my comfortable sadness anymore.

So, I often start to make a call I can't finish only because I know you won't answer.  I work up an entire conversation in my mind right before I lay the phone back down and turn away.  Because I can't watch it not ring again.  Because I've listened to the silence for so long that I think it's your ringtone.

You are everywhere and nowhere, ever present and gone for good.  I feel your eyes melting my heart even as I hear your footsteps walking away.  I remember the words that broke open my sky even as I forget the way the breeze felt through my hair. 

And, I know what is real.  I can feel it on the cold side of the bed.  I can hear it in the silence.  And I can wrap myself in it as a shelter from the lies.  I won't cry anymore because the truth can't hurt me.  I won't hold on anymore because letting go will free us both.

Open letter

Dear Facebook commenters/Private Messagers/Random Texters/Behind my back talkers,


Yes, I have received all of your opinions.  I have listened to them, read them, contemplated them, and deleted them.  In the beginning, I responded to each of you personally.  Then I realized something... you weren't worth the time it took to respond to every single insult.  So, I will summarize my feelings to each of you now.

I know exactly who I am.

I am a woman who has landed on my feet.

 

I am someone who has played this game too many times to be surprised by the loss.

 

I have stood in the rain too many times to have forgotten the cold.

 

I have picked myself up too many times to sit in this place of sadness.

 

I have walked through fire to get to a place where I don't burn anymore.

 

While I'll never be anyone's image of beautiful, I am capable of holding my head high.

 

I am a loyal person who wants nothing from anyone that I wouldn't gladly hand over myself.

 

I am independent in every way that matters.

 

I am flawed.

 

I can open myself up to you knowing you'll probably run through me, stealing whatever you can.

 

I have been beaten but not broken.

 

I am a grown woman in a grown woman's body, and I don't need to apologize for that.

 

I was your friend until you proved yourself unworthy.

 

 

See, I don't need you to tell me about myself.  I don't need you to point out my flaws or contribute to my insecurities.  I wasn't waiting around for you to tell me everything that I'm doing wrong... I was out there trying to fix the problems.  The only thing each of you really gave me was a stronger conviction in who I am. 

 

So, for all of the nasty comments and name calling, I thank you.  And, for the swift removal from my life, you're welcome.  I know we'll all be better off.