THE SILENT YELLING IN MY HEAD THIS MORNING

IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS AND I STILL HEAR YOUR VOICE.

NOT IN EVERY WORD BUT IN JUST ONE - MY NAME.  I CAN STILL HEAR THE WAY YOU SAID MY NAME WITH THE TINY TILT OF YOUR HEAD THAT SAID ALL AT ONCE… I LOVE YOU BUT MY GOD YOU’RE MAKING THINGS HARDER THAN THEY NEED TO BE.

IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS AND SOMETIMES I STILL FORGET YOU’VE GONE.  EVERY SINGLE FIGHT WITH SOFIA BRINGS ME TO THE WISH THAT YOU COULD TEACH ME HOW TO FIX IT.  TEACH ME HOW TO DO THIS THE RIGHT WAY.  TEACH ME HOW TO SWIM RATHER THAN DROWN.

YOU WOULD’VE BEEN LAUGHING AT THESE GIRLS WITH ME.  YOU’D HAVE THROWN YOUR HEAD BACK AND LET OUT ONE OF THOSE LAUGHS THAT OPENED UP THE WALLS AROUND US.  AND DAMNIT I’M MAD THAT YOU AREN’T HERE.  I’M SO FREAKING PISSED OFF THAT MY GIRLS AREN’T GOING TO LOOK UP IN THE STANDS AT THEIR GRADUATIONS AND SEE YOU OR LOOK OVER DURING THEIR FIRST MARRIED DANCES TO SEE YOU WIPE AWAY THE TEARS.  IT’S BULLSHIT.

WHEN I TELL PEOPLE SOMETHING ABOUT YOU I HAVE THE HARDEST TIME SAYING “MY AUNT”.  EVERYONE HAS THOSE.  EVERYONE HAS AN AUNT OR FOUR THAT THEY SEE A COUPLE TIMES A DECADE OR EVEN A MONTH AND THEY LOVE HER, SHE’S GREAT.  SHE VISITED SOMETIMES WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN AND SHE WAS A GREAT SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN THEIR STORY.  OR THEY HAVE AN AUNT OR SIX THEY CAN BARELY IDENTIFY IN GROUP PHOTOS POSTED ON FACEBOOK.  SHE IS NICE- OR MAYBE NOT- AND THEY UNDERSTAND THEIR CHILDREN’S CRINGES WHEN SHE LEANS IN FOR A HUG.  MY GOD, THAT’S NOT WHO YOU WERE.  YOU WERE MY STEERING WHEEL WHEN YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PREFERRED TO BE MY BRAKES.  YOU WERE MY ONE PHONE CALL.  YOU WERE MY CHILDREN’S FAVORITE LADY.  YOU ARE THE REASON I GET UP AND PUT ON MAKEUP EVERY DAY.    YOU WERE MY SAFETY NET.  YOU WERE ONE HALF OF THE ONLY DUO WHO COULD PUT ME IN MY PLACE.  YOU WERE TWO OF THE ONLY FOUR HANDS TO EVER TOUCH ME IN KINDNESS.

IT’S BEEN A LITTLE OVER TWO FREAKING YEARS SINCE I HELD THOSE HANDS.  YOU WERE IN THE CHAIR IN THE DINING ROOM WHEN WE LEFT FOR THE AIRPORT AND I CAN STILL SEE THE LIGHT SHINING OFF OF YOUR BARE HEAD AS THE GARAGE DOOR CLOSED BEHIND ME.  I STILL SEE YOUR BEAUTY IN THE SMILE THAT SAID GOODBYE.  THAT UGLY, STUPID, OVERFLOWING GOODBYE. 

THE YEARS WEREN’T LONG ENOUGH WHEN I COULD HEAR YOUR VOICE AND THEY’RE TOO LONG NOW THAT I CAN’T. 

DAMN I LOVE YOU AND THIS IS SO MUCH HARDER THAN IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

Dear Maya,

They don't make awards for daughters; but, if they did you'd certainly have a trophy shelf full.  And not even just for the ones you'd award yourself:

Most beautiful

Most fancy

Best dancer

Most hilarious

I know...I know...you tell us all the time and I'm sure you're right.

But how about:

Class clown. No one is quicker with a silly face or a new character's voice to get a giggle going.

Best actress. From the time you were a baby, you knew how to pretend.  To be hurt so we'd stop and you could race past us.  To be heartbroken so you'd get extra treats.  To be asleep so you could snuggle awhile longer.  To be cleaning your room so...well I don't know what that ones about but I'm sure you have your reasons.

Most likely to be famous.  Or infamous, whatever... as long as people scream your name, right?
Best laugh.  I mean, seriously, it fills up the room.
Most creative.  Your stories alone can stop me in my tracks.  Is she telling the truth?  Is it a lie?  I'll probably never know for sure... but it sure makes for good dinner conversation.

And on and on.

You, my last love, are so much more than anyone could have planned on or guessed.  You are everything all rolled up in one tiny little person.  Nothing was left out when you were made... except maybe a little humility and whatever it is that creates an even keel.  Lord knows I wouldn't know what that's called, let alone what that would be like.

Happy double digits, mija.  Thank you for letting me get you this far.  Thank you for holding my hand even today when we walked the halls of your school to lunch.  Thank you for keeping me company every Sunday morning during my quiet coffee time.  Thank you for still fitting on my lap.  And, thank you for letting me love you all the way.

Always, mama.