I've come to treasure and loathe these weekends. I spent more than twelve years on 24/7 mama mode. Never more than a couple of hours off a month, and even those precious few breaths were laden with guilt both self-imposed and forced onto my shoulders. So, the last couple of months have been a lesson in adjustment. It's my chance to sleep a little, and dress up a little, and just be a little. And, it's my chance to watch them race out to a life where I can't share their every moments. They get to stay up way too late, watch movies that aren't made for kids, and eat food not grown of the earth. And, they love these weekends. So much so that I can feel their disappointment when it's just another mama day. The way their shoulders slump knowing we aren't headed to a movie or shopping, we are doing laundry and working on speech therapy.
Yes, on these weekends, the girls and I have forged lives separate from each other.
Until 11:36 pm last Friday night.
I answered the phone to a hysterical six year old begging "I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU".
I tried to tell her she was just tired. I spent more than twenty minutes taking deep breaths with her and reminding her that everything was just fine. I told her over and over that I was right there. That her sister was there with her. That her papi could take care of her. I used my best calm mama voice to try to get her to fall asleep. And, every time it started to work, he tried to take the phone from her - sending her into another tailspin. Until, finally, I told her I was coming to get her.
It didn't matter who argued and yelled and tried to stop me. I couldn't care less whose weekend it was or what time the clock showed. I threw on my shoes and drove twenty minutes to my child.
If all she had wanted was a hug, that's what I would've done. Because mamas give hugs when they're needed.
If all she had wanted was a kiss, that's what I would've done. Because mamas get up in the middle of the night to dole out kisses.
If all she had wanted was me to pull the covers up tight and turn the light off, that's what I would've done. Because that's what mamas do.
We mother. Nothing stops us from it. Not late hours or long drives or angry men.
But my child needed her mama's arms, her own bed, and the comfort that comes from knowing you can count on someone to come running when you call out.
And, it didn't matter that she was going to lose the movies the next afternoon or the pool the day after that. She didn't care that the food I would make her wouldn't be served with crayons and a prize. What she needed was free. Freely given and costing nothing, I proved to myself that I still have something to offer.
And, the next time they're gone for the weekend, I'll watch them race off with the excitement that hurts a little. But I will know that when they run back for that one more hug -because they always do, it's because they know I'll still be there with open arms. And that may not be exciting, but it beats the heck out of junk food induced stomach aches and horror movie inspired nightmares.
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