Teacher becomes student

Maya checks the closet to scare away monsters.

I heard her last night as I lay awake focusing on my own.

Eva falls down, brushes herself off, washes off the blood, and keeps right on going.

It usually takes me a minute of wallowing before I can pick myself up and take a few tentative steps.

Sofia is so completely comfortable being a self proclaimed nerd that she celebrates it.

I still have so many moments where I wish I could just be like anyone else.

Six, nine & twelve.  That's it.  They've got life all figured out already.  

Conquer your own fears.  Check.  

Take care of your own pain.  Check.  

Own who you are without apology.  Check.  

These three people could rule the world if one of them knew how to drive.  In every way that really matters, they don't need me anymore.  I mean, if I let them, I'm sure one of them could figure out how to make a sandwich.  And, I imagine it wouldn't take more than a few minutes for them to realize any question they have could be answered by the iPad.  So, pretty much all they would need is a chauffeur for a couple more years.

In so many ways, they don't need me anymore.  They're strong, self sufficient, smart, capable girls.  Most days, they have a better grasp on those things than I do.  Me, their "guide" on this journey.  Me, the one who was supposed to teach them how to grow into good women.  I am much more often the student.

Including last night.

It was 2:30 am and my six year old opened the closet to scare away the monsters who had woken her.  I listened to her turn on the light, open the closet, mumble a few words, close the door, then wander into my room.

"What's wrong, mija?"

"I had a nightdream."

"You ok?"

"Yep.  Kiss."

A quick kiss & squeeze before she shuffled her tiny feet back to her room and closed the door.  

I had been laying in bed since 11 trying to turn off my mind.  Trying to stop worrying and wondering and stressing and wallowing.  Trying to stop the monsters from crawling into my dreams.  Not strong enough to tell them to get the hell out of my closet and move on.  Four and a half hours I laid there, trying to save myself.

It took Maya two minutes to do it.

Proud and sad at the same time, I wait to see what they have to teach me today.