I still am

I am outside of the lines.  

I run when I should walk.  Barreling through all of the caution tape, I speed past the warning signs straight into the mess.

I say all the things I shouldn't.  I say what others think.  I yell what others whisper.  I tell the wrong people how I feel. 

I am the definition of "sit down and shut up, who do you think you are, I can't believe you just asked that, you'll hear from my lawyer".  

I care when I shouldn't.  Point me in the direction of the sweetest, most gentle soul you can find...and I'll strut right past them to the nearest cold hearted, illiterate fool.  And I'll care about that mistake longer than it takes for the tattoo to fade.

I am a conundrum.

I finish every fight that steps into my ring.  I've never started one, but I'll stay till the bloody end every time I'm invited.  And, the ones that don't have a definite conclusion will keep me up nights.  Because I HATE when people are mad at me.

I ask every question I don't want to have answered.  It's true that no answer is often the polite way of saying "no"; but, I don't want polite.  I want heart wrenching, breath stealing, soul scarring truths.  And I want them now.

I've been alone my whole life.  I'm completely comfortable swaddled in loneliness, but I think I'd enjoy company sometimes.  On my terms, of course, and only if they pick up after themselves.

I am a puzzle with so many missing pieces.

I want to believe in people, but can't imagine picking up the pieces they'll leave behind again.

I want to feel the sunshine, but I can't bring myself to uncover the scars.

I want to live the life in the picture frames, but am missing the pieces that hold it all together.

I am every wrong turn, bad decision, skeleton in the closet.  And, I am not waiting for anyone to be accepting of that anymore.