According to the email from my lawyer, while I sat in the surgical waiting room with my sweet girl on Friday, a judge was declaring my marriage officially dissolved.
So, I've been divorced for three days without knowing it.
And I'm not finished sorting through the emotions that come with all of it.
But here's what I know so far:
Exactly two years, four months since he unwillingly moved out, he finally signed the papers that declare we are no longer a union.
It's been a long, torturous, exhilarating, learning curved, bumpy ass road. Yet, I sit trying to sort out if I have moved an inch at all.
I hate it and I love it all at once. I'm not ready to say happy though. Can I be happy that a promise I made was broken? Can I be glad for burning down the house my children knew? Can I be anything more than numb to what should be the top of the roller coaster?
Do I want to go back? Not at all. Behind me is dirty and dark and blindingly lonely.
Do I want to keep moving this way? Not really. This road is unsure and terrifying and shockingly still lonely.
So, at least for awhile, I need to sit still and try to breathe. Make some decisions that aren't life changing. Close some doors I shouldn't have opened. Let go of some desires I'll never be able to quench. Drink some wine and calm some floods.
One thing is certain. Above all else, I am not the same person I was two years, four months, one day ago.
For better or worse. Richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. I'm officially on my own now.
I'm so sorry that you had to go through something like that. A divorce is no light matter, and I understand your need for answers. Just believe in yourself, as well as in the love you've given and the love you'll continue to give. The road is really unsure and terrifying, but know that you are not on your own. I'm sure your lovely daughters will always be beside you when you need them. Thanks for sharing that, Sarah! All the best to you! :)
ReplyDeleteStephanie Waters @ Chastaine Law