For months my response was the same, "As soon as you do, I will."
Well meaning friends. Just trying to help friends. Looking out for me friends. But not one of them wanted to sign up, and I knew it. So, it wasn't a risky maneuver the I will if you will was really the I won't have to because you never will.
Until one of them did.
One of the most beautiful, successful, smart women I know signed up. And she reminded me of my promise.
Match.com
We swore we'd never tell anyone. We even have a story we worked out in case one of us (*she) met the man of her dreams. But the lessons I gleaned from my blissfully short stint online "dating" are too valuable not to memorialize. Following are the most profound lessons/warnings/giggles...
} The first thing you have to do is describe yourself, in detail. Apparently, most women use this space to describe themselves via the early 90s or after they finish the insane exercise regimen they've always wanted to start but haven't yet found the time to. You must include pictures...those of sunsets, pet llamas, and Backstreet Boys days are frowned upon. I'm not kidding...every single person I met in real life (and no, that wasn't many, but still) they all were surprised I looked like the pics and description I put up.
} Next, it's time to describe him, in detail. This I found to be very difficult because, what if. What if you're absolutely sure he's a tall, college educated, English speaking, 28-39 year old; but, he's actually a 5'8, multi lingual, 42 year old, self taught computer genius? So, I was very vague in my requirements for him. In fact, as long as he was at least my height and old enough that no one would mistake me for his mommy or his granddaughter, I didn't specify. And, really, if you're so picky that he has to be 7'3" with purple hair, gold eyes, an athletic build, a ten figure salary, and three extra toes - well, you deserve to grow old with your cats and old copies of Murder, She wrote.
} Now, you're up there for everyone to see. Give it about 12 seconds (I'm still not kidding) and the attention starts pouring in. One minute you're a normal woman, walking through life relatively anonymously...then BAM you're the hottest thing around. I really couldn't stop laughing at the silliness of it all. If you're vain enough to believe it, good for you! The rest of us know someone just rang the dinner bell because fresh meat was thrown on the table.
} Every. Single. Man on there reports himself as "athletic and toned". Now I'm no statistical or genealogical or even dietary expert; but if this is a wide swath of the available men in my area, than all of the average, overweight, and obese men we see out and about are all taken. This leaves all those poor, neglected gym rats and sporty types with not a chance in the dating world, relegating them to sites such as these. Or.... The boys are as big of fibber, fibber pants on fire as the girls. I leave the final judgement up to the women who agree to meet these fine, upstanding gentlemen in the light of day.
} You will find yourself with the most odd assortment of characters. At one time, I was "talking" to...and this is not an exaggeration... A car salesman, a civilian contractor living overseas, a perpetual student, a doctor, a factory worker, a business owner, a construction contractor, an electrician, and several military members. Where are you ever going to find that kind of plethora of options outside of The Sims?
} No matter the age, race, height, body type, or hair color, 9 out of 10 first emails contain the same phrase... "Hey cutie". Coincidentally, 9 out of 10 first emails are not replied to.
} Remember Step 1? That long profile you put together spouting all of your better qualities and artfully deemphasizing your less than stellar points? You were so uncomfortable and it felt so egotistical and you worried that he would read it and think you were a snotty brat. Yeah...no one reads that. They look at the pictures and decide right there. I was thisclose to changing my profile and sneaking in random sentences confessing my fetish for orangutan hair and secret desire to move to Idaho and start a sweet potato farm just to give myself a giggle.
Did I meet some decent people? Absolutely.
Were there some moments of well, maybe...? Yes.
Was my time filled with entertainment and head shaking? Yes and oh, yes.
Will I miss it? Not even a little.
My imposed sentence of online dating wasn't the worst way to spend my time in purgatory. It forced me to open up to possibilities that I normally would've eyebrow cocked at and scared away. And, if nothing else, now I know that isn't always the best answer.
Meanwhile, my gorgeous, smart, successful friend is deciding if she'll need our concocted story... and I'm back to waiting for Mr. Right to appear on my doorstep.
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