Selfish

I would walk through fire for my girls.  Jump in front of a train.  Shield them from bullets.  Take on a charging bear.  So, why was staying in an unhappy marriage too much for me?  Why couldn't I have continued to suck it up and trudge along for them?  It's the question that slams my soul every time they ask if he's coming back.

The details of that relationship are not public.  I'm not one to talk to people about my problems anyway, and this isn't the forum to air such issues.  I will just say that at it's best, my marriage was lonely and sad.  At its worst, it was violent and vile.  But it was nothing I couldn't handle.  I've never lived a fairy tale, so I can take just about anything that's thrown at me.

And I took it all for thirteen years for those girls.  For the idea of giving them a whole family.  For the image of a normal two parent household.

So, why did I suddenly get so selfish?  What made me decide it was enough?  Why did I take that family from my girls?  How can I say I would do anything for them when I couldn't suck it up and be unhappy for them?

It seems so small now.  I've never been a deeply happy person, so what was the big deal?  I could've survived another ten or twenty years.  For them.  It was my choice.  I chose to destroy their peace.  I tore apart their world all because I didn't want to be there anymore.

Tonight my child told me her heart was broken.  I did that.  A good mother wouldn't have been selfish. A good mother would've kept trudging along, putting her children first.

In the real world, protecting them from fire and bullets and trains and bears isn't what they needed from me.  All they really needed was for me to put them first.  And, as I sit here after a long evening of three crying, confused kids; I can't, for the life of me, define why I wouldn't do that.