Because

Because she was being ornery. 

I walked Maya all the way to her classroom today because she was being ornery.  She had brought something home the day before that she wasn't supposed to and I had to return it to her teacher.  I held her hand and took her to the lady who watches the kindergarteners before the bell rings.  I spoke to her teacher for a minute or two and walked back out of the classroom.  I couldn't find her at first, so I had a moment of panic staring into the faces of all of the other little bitty kids.  Then I turned to find her sitting behind me smiling. 
"I love you, mami.  Have a great day and I'll see you after school!"

Because she was being ornery, I got to smile at her an extra time this morning.

I worked all day, so I didn't know what happened in Connecticut until I had a second to check Facebook.  When I didn't know what everyone was talking about, I turned on the tv.

Because she was being ornery, I saw the inside of my kindergartener's classroom today.



A classroom full of kindergarteners.


So many mamas saw their babies off to school this morning.  Smiled and waved and told them they loved them.  So many families rushed through the morning routine on an ordinary school day.  So many little ones excitedly walked into their classroom today with thoughts of Santa or the weekend or lunch on their minds. 


Because she was being ornery, all I could see was her classroom full of little faces.

I waited with knots in my stomach for her to round the corner after school.  I rushed to her and carried her for the next fifteen minutes.

"What's wrong, mama?"
"I just missed you today."
"I missed you too, mama."
"I love you so much."
"I love you more than all the bumps on Mars."

We walked around to sister's door and squeezed her so hard she said I was strangling her.  We clung to each other all the way back to the car.

"What's wrong, mama?  Did something happen to Uncle Michael?"
"No.  Everyone we know is fine.  It's just been a sad day and I'm so thankful that you and your sisters are all safe and sound."

Because she was being ornery, I had a moment this morning of exasperation. 

I am so thankful that I am able to hold my babies tonight and tell them that I love them.  I am so lucky to be ending this day as whole and complete as I started it.  My heart breaks for all of the families who will never be whole or complete again.

Nothing will ever matter more.