I've always been uncomfortable talking about my childhood. It embarasses me. It shames me. It makes me feel unworthy. It took until well into my adulthood for my anger to set in. Now I feel like I got a really late start on "normal".
I've often wanted to speak my truth, but have stopped myself. I didn't want to make my family angry or resentful of me. However, this was my life for the first nineteen years. And, while there are still a lot of things that I'm not ready to put on paper, I am ready to let a little out. Holding it in gets heavy sometimes.
My mother is an addict. She has been addicted to many things during my life (motherhood not being one of them). Foremost on the list, though, is alcohol. She is a falling down drunk and has been for a long time. I made the difficult decision about a year ago to cut off all contact with her. I told her, in a letter, that she was welcome back into my life as soon as she got herself together. With the exception of one very nasty phone call, I haven't heard from her since. That hurts like hell. She may not be the kind of mother I needed, but she's the only one I got. My children, however, don't need to know anyone who behaves like that. I don't want the first experience they have with crazy to be their grandmother. Sofia and Eva haven't seen her since before Maya was born, and they don't ask about her. I'm not sure what words I'll use to explain it to them; but, when they ask, I'll figure it out.
I've been told all of my life that my mother "can't help it" or "is doing the best she can". I don't buy that. We all have ways of coping with stress/life/sadness/depression, but we don't take our children down with us. I would walk through fire for my girls (as would any other self-respecting mother), I wouldn't throw them into the flames first. I have a hard time excusing my mother's behavior as just part of some "disease". Addiction isn't a disease. Cancer is a disease. Syphillis is a disease. Addiction doesn't feel like a disease. It feels like you can't ever get ahead of the bulldozer that's tearing down your life.
Recently, Martin Sheen was on the tv saying that his son needed prayers to get through his "disease". Bullshit. Prayers aren't going to save an alcoholic. Don't waste your positive energy on someone who does nothing but hurt other people. Send it to the people left in the wake of destruction. The children who are trying to teach themselves to be parents because no one taught them. And the grandchildren who are like first-generation immigrants in a land their parents struggled like hell to get them to.
Will this post make some in my family angry? No doubt. Should the way I grew up have made them angrier? I think so.
Sarah......I do think there is plenty of anger by your mother's realtives regarding how Julie raised you. I don't want you to forget that they were there for you when they could be....when you were young with your aunt and later with your maternal grandmother. It was difficult however to help out when Julie moved halfway across the country with you in tow. I also find it interesting that you failed to mention the total abscence of your father from your life and your father's family. Could he have stepped up? In my mind, most definitely. I understand that you are finally dealing with your anger about your life with your mother, but.....where was your father during your turmoil? Building another family I suppose. Please understand that nothing excuses the mistreatment you received at the hands of your mother, but indifference can also be as devastating to a young woman trying to find her way. Again, this is just my perspective, as your aunt, and you may be in total disagreement, you are entitled. After all you lived through it not me. I just wanted to put a slightly different perspective on things.
ReplyDeleteAunt Baba
Aunt Baba, I'm sorry if you were offended by anything that was said.
ReplyDeleteAs the title of the post suggests, this was meant to be a glimpse into my feelings on "Addiction". As I said, "there are still a lot of things I'm not ready to put on paper." I did not intend to use this blog post as a summary of my entire childhood, so I didn't discuss everything. There are, obviously, a good deal of obstacles that were in my way (some that I put there myself), and more than one person who helped me on my way. Actually, I have mentioned Grandma on more than one previous post. Everyone knows that she did everything she could for me. I only mentioned the family in an attempt to address the urge we have to protect each other. It was not meant to be an attack of any sort. And, I'm sorry if it came across that way.
I wrote this because I've grown tired of the excuses we all have made for the people who put themselves (thereby their addictions) before the people around them. And, as I can only speak as a mother now, I can only look back through these eyes. The things I feel as a mother toward my girls are not things my mother felt or showed toward me. I imagine, at some point, I'll be ready to let more of my experiences and lessons out. However, this was a small piece of what I have held in regarding addiction. Again, I apologize if you feel that I was one-sided in my post. This was only my view of living with a mother and her addictions.
Sarah - You don't need to apologize. To anyone or for anything. You are the last person that needs to apologize. The very last. Say what you need to say and make no apologies.
ReplyDelete-Colleen