Missed messages

Dear me of seventeen years ago,
Slow down - you're moving faster than your mind can keep up with.  That's why you're making all these bad decisions.  Decisions that you don't even see you're making are taking you down a road with too many bumps in it.  Try harder and don't give up so easily.  You're really going to regret not applying yourself. 

Dear me of twelve years ago,
Do not... I repeat do not give that guy your phone number.

Dear me of eleven years ago,
Well, you didn't listen (of course).  But now you have a baby on the way.  At least that bad decision is leading you to the best things that will ever happen to you.  You don't know it yet, but this baby is a girl.  Strong and beautiful and your daily reminder of what you have to wake up for.  She'll challenge you in ways you could never have imagined.  And, you'll love her in a way you never knew existed.  She'll make you wonder how every mother couldn't love their child as much.  She'll make you smile all the way into your soul.  And, one day, she'll make you want to scream in frustration.  Take your time with her.  She's a blank canvas, and you don't want to paint a picture of a little girl lost.  Be patient and take deep breaths. 

Dear me of almost nine years ago,
You don't have to walk down that aisle just because all of those people are sitting in the pews.  When you're offered a way out the back door, take a breath and think about it.

Dear me of eight years ago,
Well, you didn't listen again (of course).  Here comes number two.  You're carrying the most precious reason you could ever have for ignoring all common sense.  And, you'll never regret it.

Dear me of five years ago,
Yes, I know he says he's sure that he wants a third.  Yes, I know you've made him think about it for several weeks before you've agreed.  But, you're right.  In about six days (once it's too late) he'll change his mind.  Then, in nine months, you'll give birth to your final chance.  You only get three, you know.  She'll be hard-headed and sarcastic (even at four years old) and ornery.  And, you'll never regret her.  She completes you in ways you can't even imagine. 

Dear me of four years ago,
You have been split into four pieces.  Three of those pieces will bring you the only peace you'll ever know.  Enjoy these days.  They're too short-lived to rush through.  Don't worry so much about what everyone else expects of you.  These three people don't care how clean the floor is or whether everything is made from scratch.  They want to see you laugh rather than cry.  They need to see you smile more than they need to see you trying so hard.  You're not doing them any favors by setting this example.  Be a mama first... a "homemaker" second.

Dear me of three and a half years ago,
Let him go.  Neither of you will ever go back to the way you were before he left.

Dear me of three months ago,
Live it up.  Enjoy yourself.  This will be over soon and you'll only have the memories.  This is the most fun you've had in a very long time.  Leave it with no regrets.

Dear me of yesterday,
Calm down.  Take some deep breaths.  Yes, they've ignored everything you've asked them to do today.  Yes, the oldest one talked back to you like she had lost her mind.  Yes, you have a migraine, an infected spider bite, nausea from the antibiotics, and a to-do list a mile long.  But you also have three healthy, happy children.  Focus on the positive, even though that's not your forte.  If all you have is one bright spot in your day - stand in the light of it.  All of the problems will still be there after the girls are in bed.  Deal with them then.  Let your guard down then.  Until 9:00 tonight, be a light-hearted mama.  That's your job today.

If I had gotten these messages, I wouldn't be here today.  I wouldn't be struggling like I am.  I would be on a different road leading to a different outcome.  But, I might not have the three blessings I do have.  I might not have ever known what it was like to look into their eyes and know that, even through mistakes, you can be lead to happiness.  And, that's what makes all of those missed messages worth it.  That's what allows the sunshine to peek through the clouds every once in awhile.  And, that's what makes it even more important to get the messages the first time from now on.