Relationship advice to the girls. Part IX

Ok, as my captive audience for the first two decades of your lives, you know that words are the most important things.  The placement of them, the tone of them, the creative lack of them.  Words are to be used carefully and clearly.  We don't mumble, and we say exactly what we mean all the time.  Not everyone follows these rules, though.  We call these people men.  Many of these creatures use a coded language that it takes time to sift through.  Some things are easy to decipher (roll over) and take only moments.  Others can take years, so I am going to give you a bit of a head start.

Stop nagging me = I heard you.  I know what you want me to do.  I know I should be doing it right now, but that would interfere with what I want to do.  So, I'm going to blame you reminding me to do x for my excuse to do y and z instead.

Just try it, you might like it = I will like it - you definitely won't.  But, I will talk you into doing it once and that's good enough for me.

She doesn't understand me like you do = I mean, you get that I deserve to do whatever with whoever whenever I want.  Right?

Don't overthink it = You're thinking again... You know I don't like that.  Just follow along blindly like a good girl.

Anything that starts with I'm only human = I don't have a good excuse for this, but you can't argue my place on the food chain.

I'm not ready/I just got out of a serious relationship/let's just be cool for now and see where it goes = this is about sex, so roll over.

I wasn't thinking anything = Yep, not a single thought going on in here...unless you'd like to roll over now?

There are others, of course.  But I can't give you all of their secrets.  And, no, not all men use codes.  Some use hand gestures, others try morse code, and there are a select few that speak clear and concise English.  Once you get the hang of your man's particular dialect, you can play along with them.  And, you know your mama raised you to win.

Relationship advice to the girls. Part VIII

You're going to want to do it.

You're going to think it'll make him like you.  Or make him love you.  Or make him stay with you.  Or make him choose you.

He's going to tell you it might work.  He's going to look at you with the eyes that make your skin tingle.  He's going to reshape the air in the room to the point that you can't not touch him.

It's going to seem like a good idea.  Like the great plan.  Like the only way to go.

It isn't.

Girls, I promise, sex has never fixed a broken anything.

In itself, sex is a great thing.  And, in twenty years when you're out of college and living on your own with your wonderful husband in a house with a fence and a hypoallergenic dog, feel free to do it to your little heart's content.  It'll be a great way to spend a few minutes.  And, after you've taught him how to do it properly, it will even be an extremely fine way to spend an evening.  Yes, you will have to teach him so pick a smart man who is good with his hands and isn't afraid to stop and ask for directions.

But, please believe me when I say "it's not a band aid."  

If he's a jerk, sex will just make him a jerk with a smug smile.

If he doesn't love you, sex will make him not love or respect you.

If he's leaving, sex will only delay his exit for a few inevitably unsatisfying moments.

And, if there's a choice between easy sex and a woman he has to work for, he'll take the free samples while saving up for the quality goods.

Every time.

You want him to like you?  Be you.  If that doesn't work, nothing will.  Do not sleep with him.

You want him to love you?  Be you.  If that doesn't work, nothing will.  Do not sleep with him.

You want him to stay with you?  Be you.  If that doesn't work, nothing will.  Do not sleep with him.

You want him to choose you?  Be you.  If that doesn't work, nothing will.  Do not sleep with him.

However, if the man you love faithfully loves you, chooses you, and stays with you - hand him a beer and let him hang out with his friends.  And sleep with him.  Not necessarily in that order.

No one to hear my confession(s)

I don't know if a tree falling in an empty forest makes a sound, but I do know that making a bunch of stupid decisions when your only confidant has left you still results in some nasty consequences.  And those consequences come without the uneasy giggles that your friend would've inspired to lighten the mood.  

I have had only one person to tell my idiocy to for the past year.  When she wasn't beside me allegedly in an alley or maybe directing me through the rain, she was the first person I called.  It went a little something like this:

1.  Do something really, insanely, immeasurably stupid.

2.  On really off nights, do it again.

3.  That one time, do it a couple more times for good measure.

4.  Laugh uncontrollably at my stupidity.

5.  Slap a hand over my mouth to stifle the meltdown because the witness/victim/accessory is still standing there.

6.  Swear the inner voices to secrecy because no one can ever know this has happened.

7.  Allow 3.6 seconds to pass.

8.  Pick up the phone because she has to hear about this one.

Unfortunately, one of those stupid things wasn't very funny and I lost my partner in crime.  Even more unfortunately, this has not deterred the ridiculousness.  Oh no, that continues.  Just without my focus group to run it past.

I wish I could say the tree fell and made no sound.  Instead, I must report that the ramifications of poor judgement still knock me down - even without the hand that used to help me back up.  Oh well, I'll just grab my chainsaw and get back to clearing this path through the forest.

Word for the day

Desire.  

What a good word.  

"Want" is so boring and fleeting and fickle.

"Urge" is momentary and pedestrian and easily suppressed.

But desire.  It just rolls off the tongue. 

Desire.

I want and feel an urge to be desired.  Craved.  Longed for.

My own list isn't very long, but it is quite specific.

I desire tattoos.  Nothing tribal, cellblock, barbed or misspelled though.

I crave strong arms.  Some girls go for backsides, some fall for abs.  Me?  I'm all about the triceps.  Weird, but true.

I long for eyes that tell the truth.    Although, a nice set of honest, juicy lips wouldn't hurt either.

Desire.

Don't get me wrong, I want employed.  I have a pretty strong urge toward the motorcycle owning.  And, I wouldn't argue against a good, strong 401k.

But I crave and long for the kind of desire that keeps you up nights and dreams away your days.  Heart racing, toe curling, can't-fight-it-for-one-more-second, they-write-novels-about-this-under-assumed-identities desire.

Mmm.

Yes, please.

Oh, and I also desire cake that doesn't make you fat, coffee that replenishes itself, and world peace.

But I'll start with the arms.

Relationship advice to the girls. Part VII

There are people you're friends with and there are people you fall in love with.  The problem?  They're rarely the same people.

Girls, you're going to meet some really great guys in your lives.  They are going to make you laugh, they are going to be there when you need them, and they are going to tell you the truth.  They are going to be the best men you ever meet.  And you're going to friendzone them.  You're going to "love them like a brother" and "feel no spark" and "not want to risk losing their friendship".  

I met my best friend when I was 17.  He's the only man who has never lied to me.  He's still the only person I can pick up the phone to call without hesitation.  And I don't have to tell why I need him - he just says what I need to hear and we move on with our lives.  He is, without qualification, the single best man on earth.  And, I would give anything to have fallen in love with him when I had the chance.  He's someone else's husband now, and she gets the honor of being married to the (nearly) perfect man I know him to be.  I'm not jealous of many people, but I envy her laughter like no other.

My advice:  The obvious - fall in love with a friend.  Let stability trump sexy.  Allow honesty to outrank handsome.  If you find someone that you trust to catch you when you fall on your face, fall in love.

Good guys stay good guys.  They just do.  They will pick up the phone when you need them and you will have their shoulder for life.  But someone else will get their heart if you don't.  So, let your friends be your lovers.  Look at the way they go out of their way to make you smile and let that be sexy.  Watch the way they laugh at your stupid stories and let that move you.

The friendzone isn't just where stupid girls send good guys.  It's also the waiting room where smart girls go to find their prizes.

Relationship advice to the girls. Part VI

So, as my daughters, you have inherited a few things from me.  A couple of these traits you might even be thankful for.  Most, however, you would probably like to give back.

You are all incredibly smart.  You're welcome.

You each have some form of my quick wit (and one of you has a tongue almost as sharp as my own).  Hold your applause to the end, please.

You all rely on glasses to see beyond the edge of your noses.  Sorry about that one, but you do look smarter when you're not running into walls.

If any of you make it beyond 5'1", that's all me.  Though, I suppose you could blame me for choosing to make you with a pre-teen size man.

You can all spot sarcasm at the first hint of irony.  Yeah, and the first sound of my voice too.

And, each of you ladies will one day get to blame me for just about every other thing you don't want to take responsibility for.  It's my role as your mother to accept such charges without pointing out that you chose to run away and join the circus - I only drove you to it...I mean drove you to the bus stop.

One big thing I hope I don't pass on, though, is the draw to bad boys.  I pray for that harder than I hit my knees for world peace.

Bad boys are just that.  Bad.  I would like you to adopt a policy of "look but don't touch" when it comes to this particular species.  I know what they looked like when I was younger, but they could have different details now.  The basic description, however, is the same.

Goes left when you go right.

Forgets his wallet when it's time to pay at the super classy bar/gas station/liquor store/Applebee's you drove him to because his license is suspended over several misunderstandings between him and a breathalyzer.

Smacks your butt in greeting rather than taking your hand.

Eyeballs your friends like they're the next course.

Gets eyeballed by your friends because the bad boy syndrome is widespread.

Hides his phone like it has military codes he would have to kill you for.

Answers questions with vague and mysterious words like "huh?", "no way, baby, they take away all the sensation", and "you're crazy, that wasn't me, I was home thinking about you!".

And, probably most telling, a bad boy is the one to which your mama says "no, love, take that idiot out of my house.  We're calling him a cab".

You'll want to defend him.  You'll think he's sexy and exciting.  Then, once that wears off, you'll think you can change him.  You'll do all of these things with the purest of intentions and the strongest of desires to defy me.

I pray this doesn't happen.  I have my fingers crossed that you're the first generation to lack the bad boy magnet gene.  In the likely event that you fall victim, though, you can blame me.  However, I have warned you about the catastrophic effects, so I'm not paying the psychiatric bill.  Check the fine print on our contract, full disclosure nullifies my financial responsibility.

That's one more thing you could've inherited from me - the art of a well placed word.  Thou art welcome.

Relationship advice to the girls. Part V

You are all so beautiful.  With your perfect shades of olive skin tones, gorgeous thick dark hair, and deep chocolate eyes you are the kind of beauty that makes people sit up and take notice.  You will be complimented, fawned over, and probably stop traffic at least a dozen times in your lives.  Eventually, you will perfect the humble blush, though I beg you not to bat your eyelashes.  Girls, you should appreciate the gorgeous view you give to those around you.  But you should never choose a relationship based solely on the outside... yours or his.  Don't let some guy have entire conversations with your chest.  More importantly, make him have conversations with you.

Don't let it only be about what you look like.  

Let it be what you think about.  What you know about.  What you feel about.  

You've got the beauty.  You've got it in the ease of your confidence.  You've got it in the quiet way you tuck your hair behind your ears and the singular way you stride into a room.  Those are easy to see.  Make him look further.  Show the rest of your beauty.  Show it in the way you discuss the last book you read or your hard won talent to be the best at who you are.  Show it in the tremendous sense of humor you inherited from your mama.  Show it in the heart you manage to hold open despite the cold beating down your door.  

Make sure he talks to you.  And, more often, listens.  You have something to say.

Make sure he respects you as much as he does himself.  You are whole human beings who deserve to walk beside someone, not behind them.

Make sure he eats your cooking.  Unless you didn't learn it from me...then make sure he pulls the chair out for you when you go out to eat (even if it's to get another look at your backside).

And, yes, make sure he always sees how stunningly gorgeous you are.  You deserve to be oohed and ahhed over.  I've been doing it since the day you were born.  I'm not saying the cover of your book isn't important, I'm saying the story of who you are deserves to be appreciated beyond the pretty packaging.