New year, same-ish you

I am ashamed to say I had a conversation with myself yesterday morning that I've had every New Years morning since the dawn of time (because if you don't feel 1000 years old on any January first, are you even real living?).  And, no, I'm not ashamed of the fact that I was talking to myself.  It was only mostly aloud and the shower was running so I could've been talking to Poseidon - no one will ever know for sure.

Anyway, I'm ashamed that I seemed to be talking myself into a predetermined narrative.

I wanted to say this year should be better.  Better than last.  Better than what I got for working my behind off all of last year.  Better than the last twelve months I spent loving my girls and striving so freaking hard to make their lives better.

But, honestly, the last year wasn't so bad.

There were some absolutely awful parts.

I lost someone more important than most.  Not a single day has passed since May that we haven't talked about her and missed her and wished we could call her.

I also lost a lot who turned out to be less than important.  I started this year with a fairly wide circle and ended it with one I can reach my arms around.  And, I'm working on accepting that this is just fine.  My people and I are just fine on our own.

I let go of relationships that were beyond repair by learning to stop giving before I empty myself.  Some people simply aren't worth the gifts of patience and loyalty.

I realized some lessons had been forgotten...so I'm trying to relearn the scars.  This is the biggest struggle for me.  I tried so hard to get to a spot where I could say I wasn't so bad, that realizing I'm back to watching others spotlight my flaws feels like I'm at the bottom of the mountain again.  But I know this mountain and I've clawed my path to the top before, I can do it again.

Really though, 2015 wasn't too bad to us.

We have each other, day in and day out.  Sometimes we even like that!  

The girls are learning and growing and becoming so much.  I am so grateful to have the front row seat for the greatest show on earth (circus reference intended).  

Sofia and I had our first major war this year, and I truly wasn't sure we would make it.  But she held that hug just long enough last night (even though I thoroughly dominated our Uno tournament) for me to believe we'll be better than mortal enemies eventually.

These people - my people - and I had a pretty good year.  And, with a few big exceptions, we'd be alright if we had the same 365 ahead of us.

So, yes, I'm ashamed that I tried to talk myself into regretting yet another year of growth and kitchen dances.  I'm embarrassed to say I almost forgot the soccer celebrations and great broccoli debates.  I should have known better than to deny the silly faced selfies and car serenades.  

Talking to myself, though?  Nothing wrong with that at all - ask me.  But don't interrupt, that's just rude.

Here's to another year laid out ahead of us - all shiny and new.  May it be nothing we can't handle and only most of what we've seen before.