Another unexpected hurdle

Standing in the bathroom this morning, doing Maya's hair, we had an audience.  Sofia stood in the hallway watching us.  At this age, we don't generally see her face... It's either the top of her head or her back most of the time.  So, I figured she was there for a reason.  I had no idea there was a train headed straight for me.

Why does my belly stick out further than yours?

Say what?!

I don't know, love.  You just ate breakfast.  Why?

When I get older, will my body look more like yours?

Well, the alternative isn't a hugely appealing option, so...lesser of two evils I guess...

Your body will look however you make it look, but you're going to be beautiful regardless.  Why?

Just wondering.

She's been asking a lot of questions lately about physical appearance.  Being a preteen, I knew it was coming.  The pressure that's developed over the last year to be one of the "cool kids" is coming at her from every angle.  We've spent a lot of time talking about how much more important being smart is than being cute.  I thought we were doing pretty well handling her self esteem.  She likes being the "band nerd" and, while I know she has been noticing boys for awhile now, she isn't boy crazy yet.  I know we have only just started this long road, but I thought we were doing alright.  

Until this morning.

It never occurred to me that she would compare herself to me physically.  I cannot remember a single instance of comparing my mother's appearance to my own.  As a friend said this morning when I asked if her daughter had the same concerns, "it's as if she and I are a different species".  So, as my daughter stared at my abs this morning, I didn't know how to respond.  

I spend a lot of time stressing how important brains are.  I remind them over and over how perfect they are in their own ways.  Health and strength trump beauty and flash in our house.  And yet, standing in the bathroom this morning, all my girl could see was a body shape she thinks she'll never have.

I expected peer comparison.  I have all the answers for that one ready and waiting for the first question out of her mouth.  We are all made differently.  All shapes and sizes, colors and textures.  If we all looked the same it would be boring and I wouldn't be able to find them in a crowd.  Blah blah blah.   

I asked a few people with daughters Sofia's age if their kids have made the same comparisons.  It was split almost down the middle.  So, apparently, I'm not alone on this one.  I just hope I handled it half as well as they do.

Before I took her to school, I had a conversation with her where she shared some things that I won't, but the basic ending was satisfactory.

You get to choose what to focus on.  You are a smart, talented, funny girl with everything going for you.  You have so much beauty, some that can be seen and some that can be felt, and that's important too - just not important enough to lose focus of the other stuff.  Your belly doesn't stick out - you are healthy.    And, you have your whole life ahead of you to worry about silly things like what can be seen on the outside.  Go to school and come home smarter this afternoon, that matters so much more than how flat your belly is.

This whole parenting thing is harder than it needs to be sometimes.