Today was not a good day. Neither was yesterday. Really, I've got a streak going on right now that I would very much like to end.
They happen sometimes. The long stretches of time when I just can't dig myself out of the hole. When everything is falling apart. The days when I wish I had never gotten out of bed. Those days are hard, but they pass in relative ease.
Then there are the darker times. The times when the light just doesn't penetrate. And, if you don't know what real depression feels like, you don't get it. If you've never hurt so bad that you felt nothing, you don't get it. If you've never been swallowed by the silence, you just don't get it. And, I am so happy for you. I don't want you to get it.
I don't want you to know how it feels to have a hole torn in the fabric of your being.
I don't want you to know how it feels to be broken in ways that will never heal.
I don't want you to be able to understand me.
I only want you to stop treating me like I'm being ridiculous. You don't need to tell me about all the reasons I have to be thankful. I know them all. I named them. You don't need to remind me that others have it worse - I know they do. There are so many stronger people in the world who have so much larger problems than I do. And, they handle it all every day. I know.
Most days, I'm able to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Most days, I can fake my way through like I haven't a care in the world. Like I love being the one making people laugh. Like I live with weightless shoulders and a light spirit. Most days, I can be whatever you want me to be.
But not today. Today, just let me lay here for a minute. I'll get myself up and back to life in a minute. I just need a minute to wallow in all the feelings that knocked me down.
You're not supposed to understand. I'm so glad you don't understand.
You're not supposed to think you can fix me. I'm telling you that you cannot fix me.
You're not supposed to judge. I'm asking you not to judge.
You don't have to wait. I'm giving you permission not to wait.
Because I don't know how long it'll be before I can pretend I am ok again. I only know it isn't going to be today.
Today I am broken like a promise. Today I am broken open like a dam. Today I am broken.
That is well written and paints a good word picture of what depression does. Thank you for taking the time to share it so that others can develop empathy. When I feel like that, everything seems like a big task. I too have to make myself keep going knowing that eventually I will start to feel better.
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