Learning to walk on my own

Three years.  Every single school day that wasn't freezing or raining for three years.  On days when everything was coming up roses and on days when the thunderstorm followed us everywhere for three years.  Sometimes with a snack, sometimes with an attitude, always with each other for three years.

Eva was in Kindergarten the first time Maya and I took an afternoon walk.  We got to the school really early to pick up her sisters, so we decided to walk around "town" while we waited.

And that's how it started.  Since then, we've taken approximately 300 walks. 

We've giggled and laughed and talked our way through each one without a care in the world.

Sometimes, one of us would even skip through our walk. 

And, often, we would stop to enjoy the flowers.

Or stop to read to each other.







Or otherwise just show how fabulous we are.

But, mostly, we just walked together.  Talking about any and everything, Maya and I spent a few minutes enjoying the world together.





Until yesterday, when we took our very last solo walk.  My heart broke a little when we got back to the school.  In a few months, I'll be standing by myself outside of the school waiting for all three of my girls to walk out the doors. 

And, I'll have to learn how to walk on my own.



Learning to depend

I grew up knowing I couldn't depend on anyone.  Honestly, I never had a single feeling of "this person will come through for me".  From birth, I was on my own.

However, I am starting to learn to change that idea.  I am slowly allowing the kindness of others to be a welcome and expected - though always a little surprising - gift.  From the small words of encouragement I have received for this blog to the heartwarming praise I have been given over my new job.  From the people who always remember my girls on their special days to the aunts and uncles who make it possible for the girls to have special summer experiences.  I am one grateful person.

Be that as it may, I am constantly surprised by the absence of those I thought might show me a little support.  I am, by my own measure, not a perfect friend; but I consider myself one who can always be counted on when support is needed.  It has been hurtful to know that not everyone feels the same.  However, new friends have stepped into the places left vacant by now strangers.  I have never been the type of person who meets people easily, so it amazes me each time that a new person comes into my life and stays to play for awhile. 

And, my family is astounding.  My baby brother has become a much more present person in our lives since his accident.  The girls have seen him more in the last month than in the two years before he was injured, and we all hope we are able to keep it going after he completes his long recovery.  My dad and stepmom continue to be the perfect grandparents to their "perfect" granddaughters as well as a good support system for much-less-than-perfect me.  My extended family has shown me tremendous kindness in the small endeavors I have taken.  And, I have two sets of aunts and uncles that have big hands in making this summer one that the girls will remember forever.


Yes, I am truly blessed with a small group of people that I can depend on.  And, while I may never be quick to call for help or ask for favors, it's a new (and very welcome) feeling to know that someone will probably answer that call if I make it.

Knowing there might be a safety net under you sure makes that tight-rope walk a little easier.

Dear Maya,

And though she be but little, she is fierce. - Shakespeare

Dear Maya,

Happy 5th birthday, mami.  As much as I have begged you to let me cancel this day, you insisted on having another year pass.  As usual, your determination beat mine.  Really, all it takes is a little eyelash batting and an "I love you more than anything except God" to get your way.  *sigh*  You and I are in for one looonnngg ride.

You are truly one of a kind, my love.  Dainty and sweet one minute, fierce and ferocious the next.  You live to be the center of attention... until the very second someone takes notice.  You are full of sugar and, once you get past the thick layer of grit and chile, you are one of the sweetest kids I have. 

You make me laugh harder than anyone else (except maybe myself).  With one quick roll of the eyes or the astonishment of learning I will not actually be your maid forever, you and I end up on the floor rolling in giggles.

You are as smart as you are beautiful.  And, that is really saying something!  I don't know another preschooler that could out-spell or out-smile you.

You have promised to stay my baby girl forever, and I will absolutely hold you to that.  Whether you'll still stand on my feet while we dance in the kitchen... or bury your face in my neck when you're pretending to be shy... or stand by my bed at 2 in the morning saying "Hug Mama"... or even let me squeeze you before you head into school - you will always be my baby.  And, while one day I will deeply miss our arguments over whether or not it's appropriate to wear a pettiskirt or tutu every single day, I can't imagine having these discussions with anyone else.  I cannot imagine a day when we're not having a ten minute conversation over whether the light pink flower or the dark pink flower would go better with your outfit.  Or an occasion when I won't spend twice as long on your hair as I do on my own.

Maya, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty have nothing on you.  You are, by far, the most enchanting princess the world has ever seen.  And, I am so thankful to be your mama.  Yes, you are little but there is no one more fierce than you.

Always,

Mama